EDMONTON – As her five-year-old Yorkshire Terrier disembowelled his latest victim, owner Krissie Powell has assured horrified onlookers that Buster never behaves like this.
“Oh my gosh, I don’t know what’s gotten into my little guy today,” Powell said, as Buster chomped on the man’s throat to finish the kill. “Maybe mommy didn’t give him enough treats?”
Buster, according to Powell, is a sweet little furbaby who wouldn’t harm a soul, except for all the other times he got a little grumpy-wumpy and ripped into the intestines of random strangers.
“You really shouldn’t have startled Buster by standing within 10 metres of him,” Powell admonished the dead man as his blood pooled on the pavement. “I know not everyone is a dog person, but a little common sense goes a long way.”
While Buster can sometimes have behavioural problems simply because his owner never leashes or disciplines him, Powell insists he can be very sweet as long as you don’t make eye contact, make any sudden sounds or movements, or wear the wrong colour pants.
“Interacting with my little Bustie is actually very simple,” Powell told reporters as she scrubbed gore out of Buster’s fur. “If you want to pet him, just ask me for permission. If he wants to climb on you, I’ll say something like ‘Oh, knock it off, you silly goose’ without actually stopping him. And if he mistakes one or more of your limbs for a big, juicy sausage, then you need to re-evaluate how you smell and dress.”
Powell then elaborated on all the challenges of being a dog mom, from having to yell at grocery store managers until they let Buster shop with her to convincing the courts that Buster shouldn’t be put on trial like a human.
“It’s a lot of work, but it’s all worth it to see my little furbaby cuddle up with one of his chew femurs,” Powell said.
At press time, Powell was explaining that Buster had “the zoomies,” as the slavering dog whipped himself into a relentless bloodlust that would force him to kill again.
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