CHICAGO, IL — Following extensive study, a group of prominent theologians agreed that the Antichrist would most likely be a podcaster.
Through a deep examination of biblical prophecy, the group offered up a detailed theory that the “Man of Lawlessness” would most likely turn out to be someone with a weekly lifestyle show focused on inspirational self-actualization or how to reach your full potential.
“We strongly believe that the mystery has finally been solved,” said Professor Michael B. Woolson of the Moody Theological Seminary. “Upon close reading of Scripture, we have concluded that the Antichrist spoken of in the Bible will most likely be a man with a podcast about CrossFit or something equally as mind-numbing.”
Scholars believe that in the New Testament, when John warned of the Antichrist coming in the last days, it’s clear he was referring to anyone who says, ‘Hey everyone, thanks for tuning in this week and don’t forget to hit that follow button and leave a review.’
The scholars also believe that posting long-format conversations regularly about mental health, current events, “living your truth,” gardening, rock-collecting, relationships, dogs, Latino culture, parenting, being a famous person with no real skills whose only major accomplishment is marrying a member of the British Royal Family or being married to Barack Obama were also sure signs that someone was working to usher in the apocalypse.
“Now that we have the answer, it’s somehow even more terrifying,” Woolson said.
At publishing time, the theologians had revealed that they also believed the Antichrist might come in the form of online cooks who post recipes that include their entire life stories.
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