WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the wake of accusations that he is singling Canada out with his economic attacks, US President Donald Trump has assured the press that he will also eventually financially decimate the rest of the world as well.
“A large part of my promise to make America great again revolves around making all other countries look worse by comparison,” Trump told a room full of terrified international journalists.
“We’re just starting with Canada because they are the easiest to mess with, with minimal impact on us I assume. Also, it’s the shortest drive. Canadians can breathe easy knowing that every other country will also be getting insane tariffs and threats on their sovereignty. We are just starting in Canada, and ending in the US.”
“In the meantime, those fat cats in Taiwan better watch out,” Trump added, before pausing to learn his lines for an upcoming ‘TESLATHON 2025!’ promotional event.
Canadian officials are reportedly more at ease knowing that Trump’s aggression is only the first step in a long plan to plunge the world into a great depression. Newly-installed Prime Minister Mark Carney says this might even give Canada more options in dealing with this new plutocratic form of Manifest Destiny.
“I mean, most of our plans for avoiding a full-on trade war revolved around finding new trading partners to get around America, but at least we know they will be willing to come to the table, if there’s a table even left,” said Carney, checking online to see which goods are made in Denmark. “It’s nice to know that it’s nothing personal, just Trump’s usual combination of insane xenophobia and dementia.”
Finance Minister Dominic LeBlanc added, “I had money on Trump starting Great Depression II before World War III and 2nd Civil War in the betting pool. At least if the Canadian dollar becomes worthless, I’ll still have more!”
One key point in Trump’s plans on striking back against America’s imaginary enemies focuses on ruining other countries’ tourist attractions and exports. To that end, sources indicate Trump plans to poison all the penguins in Antarctica, stealing all the paintings in the Louvre, and straightening the leaning tower of Pisa to ruin Italy’s tourism industry.
“I think I might have been put on this Earth to do this,” Trump mused to reporters. “My whole career has been built around destroying prosperity. I’ve tanked 4 casinos, 2 hotels, and a bunch of other businesses that had my name on them. I’m like the anti-King Midas. And it’s all been leading to this, when I can bankrupt an entire country.”
“Once we complete the pilot program we are trying in Canada, we will be one step closer to making life better for my fellow Russians… I mean Americans.”
At press time, the government of Tuvalu expressed excitement that Trump’s plans would make them the new global economic standard.
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