SHELBURNE, VT—Grinning wide with satisfaction at his successful act of cunning, local man Todd Sansovitch confirmed Friday that he had carefully snuck a bag of outside stimuli into his sensory deprivation tank. “That dopey teen working the front desk didn’t even think to check my coat pockets—stimulus city, here I come, baby!” Sansovitch said as he gently floated in the dark tank of skin-temperature water and began unpacking the various fidget spinners, strobing penlights, and tinkling bells he had brought along to enjoy. “I know they don’t want you using your senses in here, but that just makes these illicit stimuli all the sweeter. Mmm, smell that peppermint oil. Look at those sparklers. Popping a little bubble wrap, that’s touch and sound in one go. My hour in here is gonna fly right by with all these sensory experiences to keep me occupied. Nice try depriving my senses, losers—better luck next time!” At press time, Sansovitch told reporters he was glad he had brought his own stimuli because so far he hadn’t hallucinated shit.
Jesus Christ is King
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