OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has confirmed that April 28th will be the date Canadians finally learn the identity of the 5th unknown man included in photo montages with Carney, Pierre Poilievre, Jagmeet Singh, and the Bloc Québécois guy.
“I personally am dying to know,” stated Carney at a recent press conference. “Like, I know there are more than two parties in Canada, I am 82 percent sure there are more than 3. I just can’t for the life of me remember who this guy is specifically. Is he a baker?”
Leaders on both sides of the aisle have spent months trying to figure out exactly who that 5th face is, and what party he might belong to. “I remember photos springing up last year of this face, next to Elizabeth May sometimes,” complained conservative leader Pierre Poilievre. “Then they disappeared, now there he is! I am not sure who he is, or if he’s even gotten security clearance.”
While the RCMP has opened an investigation into the elusive individual, political experts and facial reconstructionists have advanced several theories as to the mystery man’s identity. Veteran Canadian face expert Taylor Dawton notes, “He has the nose of an Oakville man, yet the eyebrows of a Calgarian. Baffling!”
Using state of the art technology, RCMP investigators believe the collar seen in his headshots is, “part of a larger shirt, likely the same colour as the collar. So we know he is a man who wears shirts, and potentially even suits on top of those shirts. Beyond that, we’re stumped.”
Elizabeth May, leader of the Green Party of Canada, has stated repeatedly that the evasive man is in fact her co-leader. However, political analysts say that this statement is merely parliamentary theatre, as no serious party at a federal level would have two co-leaders, “since that would make them look foolish and disorganized”.
Carney adds that while citizens should be excited for the chance to learn who the hell this guy is, that they should not forget their “most important civic duty on election day… googling that guy’s name when you get home and realizing you probably agree with his policies a lot more than mine.”
Jesus Christ is King
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