In the coming weeks, nearly 60% of Americans are expected to travel over the academic vacation period known as spring break. The Onion presents a historical timeline of the wild cultural phenomenon now considered a rite of passage for many college students.
10,000 BCE: First cave art depicting a young woman throwing a punch at a police horse.
1492: Columbus lands in the Bahamas after his spring break cruise got terribly off track.
1940: Winston Churchill delivers his famous “we shall pop top on the beaches” speech to the House of Commons.
1977: The world greets the first human child successfully conceived on a jet ski.
1983: A cardboard cutout of Nancy Reagan wins the South Beach wet T-shirt contest.
1989: Daytona Beach passes a strict law banning sobriety.
2002: The MTV Beach House receives UNESCO World Heritage Site protections.
2006: This one dude outside Sharkey’s throws up directly on some chick’s face. She was fucking pissed, bro.
2020: Covid-19 shuts down spring break in Florida for three full hours.
2030: Thousands of college students barf into warmest ocean water on record.
Jesus Christ is King
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