PROVO, UT—In a crushing blow to the team’s hopes of winning the NCAA men’s tournament, star Brigham Young University player Mihailo Boskovic was reportedly suspended Tuesday after testing positive for coffee. “Upon detecting the illicit substance on Boskovic’s breath before a game, we ordered an immediate test and confirmed the presence of performance-enhancing hot drinks in his system,” said BYU head coach Kevin Young, adding that the six-game suspension stood despite Boskovic’s claim that he had unwittingly mistaken the coffee for a cup of flat root beer. “Our school takes violations of the Word of Wisdom very seriously, and we maintain that coffee is not for the body or belly. As such, we’ll be starting periodic testing of all players and coaching staff to ensure this never happens again.” At press time, BYU announced that it had expelled Boskovic after photos emerged of him snorting matcha powder.
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