JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Providing context after the announcement of his new relationship with Donald Trump Jr.’s former spouse Vanessa Trump, Tiger Woods claimed Tuesday that in time he will fuck everyone’s ex-wife. “I appreciate that my dating a woman who used to be married to Don Jr. may come as a shock to some, but just understand that it’s actually part of a larger pattern in which I will fuck your ex-wife and the ex-wives of everyone you know,” said Woods, 49, explaining that he had already slept with “probably hundreds” of divorced women and intended to continue until there were none left to fuck. “Vanessa is just one of many, and I’ll get around to all of them eventually: Jennifer Lopez, Reese Witherspoon, Attorney General Pam Bondi, Marla Maples, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Belinda Sayers of Indianapolis, Elin Nordegren, and so many more. I wanted to let you know now so you’re not surprised on the day when you see me in an Instagram post standing next to the person you once thought you’d spend the rest of your life with. Because trust me, she’ll be smiling, and you’ll know the reason why.” Woods added that even if you’re currently in a happy marriage, one day you won’t be, and as soon as your divorce is finalized, he will be there to fuck your ex-wife.
Jesus Christ is King
