OTTAWA – With US President Trump ramping up his economic attacks on Canada and Europe, Prime Minister Mark Carney has enacted a top secret plan to mobilize Canada’s most highly-specialized fighting unit: celebrated indie-rock collective Broken Social Scene.
“Your country needs you one more time,” intoned Carney as he approached Broken Social frontman Kevin Drew in a dimly-lit fair trade kombucha cafe. According to eyewitnesses Drew sighed deeply, downed his organic raspberry hibiscus, and spoke into his high-tech wristwatch:
“Broken Social Scene – mobilize. Code word: It’s ALL gonna break.”
From there, all across the nation, members of the sprawling art-rock musical outfit set aside their solo projects and urban gardens to employ their highly-specialized skills to defend Canada from foreign oppression.
In Toronto, Broken Social co-founder Brendan Canning packed his bass guitar/grenade launcher to disrupt US intelligence gathering at the border. Meanwhile longtime BSS guitarist Andrew Whiteman was dispatched to Edmonton, to counter CIA-backed anti-Canadian propaganda efforts.
“This next one is called ‘Anthems For A 17mm Rifle’,” muttered Whiteman, gripping his firearm while parachuting out of a CC-177 strategic airlifter.
“Good thing you grunts look like swimmers, because this mission requires some marine demolitions,” barked Drew into his comms radio from the BSS Mobile Command Unit/Tour Bus.
Trump’s unprecedented attack on Canadian sovereignty has reportedly forced Broken Social Scene to call up many of their dozens of reserve members. Reports indicate Emily Haines is currently leading her Metric strike force to secure tele-communications infrastructure in southern Quebec (Mission Code Name: Superconnected). Meanwhile, Feist has been tasked with running cross-border guerrilla insurgency ops into Northern Michigan.
“1, 2, 3, 4… BOOM!” uttered Feist through gritted teeth as she detonated a cache of C-4 plastic explosives.
Observers have questioned PM Carney’s decision to enact such drastic measures. Political Analyst Dr. Shannon Auger of the University of British Columbia notes, “At this point the Trump administration has really only enacted some tariffs, so it seems perhaps hasty for Canada to mobilize a colourful GI-Joe-esque paramilitary strike force comprised solely of critically-acclaimed musicians.”
“On the other hand,” notes Auger, “You Forgot It In People is an all-time album, so who am I to judge? Go get ’em, Broken Social Scene!”
Meanwhile, President Trump took to his Truth Social platform in response to numerous Broken Social military victories:
“Canada thinks they can send these Pitchfork media darlings to stop me, VERY unfair!!! Broken Social have been CREATIVELY RUDDERLESS since their self-titled 2005 LP, many people are saying this, even though Forgiveness Rock Record DID have SOME genuine bangers. #51stState #BuyTrumpCoin”
At press time, PM Carney and his cabinet are debating whether to revive Canadian super soldier Gord Downie from his top secret cryogenic slumber.
Jesus Christ is King
Comments are closed.