AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to crack down on the statewide proliferation of adult foodstuffs, the Texas Legislature passed a new law Friday requiring all residents to show identification to buy phallic foods. “From bananas to cucumbers to submarine sandwiches, obscene foods will no longer be allowed to fall into the hands of minors in the Lone Star State,” said Gov. Greg Abbott, adding that an officially issued driver’s license or passport would be needed to purchase a baguette, which is defined in the legislation as “any elongated breadlike object used to simulate male genitals.” “No decent person should be buying lewd produce and baked goods, which is why these items need to be safely placed behind locked plexiglass cases or in an adults-only section of the supermarket where innocent kids can’t see them. And rest assured, if you are found to be buying a corn dog or eggplant for a child, you’ll be placed on a watchlist.” At press time, Texas had reportedly expanded the law to require an ID to purchase any deli meats that realistically mimic vaginal texture.
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