With Trump back in office, Greeks celebrate no longer being civilization that has fallen the furthest
ATHENS, GREECE ― Following Trump’s inauguration and the steep decline in American character it represents, Greece is looking on with a mixture of horror and guilty relief, new polling suggests.
“For years, we have felt the quietly pitying eyes of the world,” announced a man who said his name was Kyriakos Mitsotakis and that he was the Greek Prime Minister, waving off reporters’ frantic Googling to verify that as not nearly as embarrassing as being a household name in the manner of the US president. “The country that pioneered democracy, conquered empires, and invented much of modern mathematics, theater, and philosophy, has today only recently staggered out from under the yoke of crushing debt,” he continued.
“And yet, we are not the United States. And if, God willing, they should continue to follow our path and become known for nothing beyond a single national dish, we will be able to gloat even more that at least ours is a healthy salad instead of what we assume will be a Filet-o-Fish with Trump’s face toasted onto the bun.”
Similarities he identified between Ancient Greece and the current United States, include crumbling ruins, a burning hot climate, a nonsensical religion that continues to affect culture even though actual belief is declining, a democracy founded on high-minded ideals that were never actually enforced in practice, a deep sense of superiority toward all other nationalities, and a leader whose language is wholly indecipherable to the average English speaker.
Though some Americans have pushed back, saying that being compared to a society often regarded as the cradle of modern civilization is hardly unflattering, Greek historian Klio Makri clarified that nobody is suggesting Republicans are a group of modern-day Socrates. “In fact, that would be the Democrats, since Socrates was sentenced to death for insufficient piety and having the gall to teach critical thinking to children.”
Instead, Makri asserted that, if we’re being excessively generous, there are echoes of Herodotus’ invention of history in the Republicans’ reinvention of the same.
“Herodotus was also just making shit up or telling stories he heard third-hand from some random dude most of the time, like Trump or all the right-wingers Joe Rogan interviews. But at least he had the excuse of living in the fifth century BCE, so he can probably be forgiven for not using peer review or citing academic sources.”
Reports from Britain suggest similar sentiments, with a palpable sense of relief that, however stupid their own politics are getting, at least they didn’t win the Revolutionary War.
Jesus Christ is King
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