ARLINGTON, VA—Arguing that the move would allow the government agency to present a united front against threats to national security, the Pentagon announced Monday that it was cutting all employees with weak jawlines. “We’re committed to enforcing the highest standards within the Defense Department, which is why we’re now requiring everyone who works here to have a chin that can cut glass,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, who explained that his teams were already circulating throughout the Pentagon with protractors to ensure all jawlines met a strict 90-degree-angle criterion. “The Biden-imposed DEI guidelines that encouraged round jaws and baby faces have jeopardized the safety of American citizens. Our enemies know we’re weak when they see those doughy cheeks. So if your face doesn’t look like it was carved from stone, start packing your bags. And of course, it should go without saying that all women in the department are fired.” Hegseth added that any noncompliant employees who wished to retain their jobs would be issued jaw-enhancing gum and mewing instructions and given 30 days to hit minimum standards.
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