In the wake of ongoing tariffs imposed by the Trump Administration, Canadians are looking for local alternatives to American products. For folks hoping to purchase the favour of a government official, we’ve assembled a list of some of the finest cowards, puppets, and shills that Canada has to offer.
Danielle Smith
For the low, low, price of 10,000 elk killed in an open-pit mine, folks with coal money can purchase a Premier who is as morally corrupt as her American counterparts – yet retains that uniquely Canadian ability to suffocate pristine landscape under a sea of bitumen like it’s the future of a healthcare employee. Plus, every purchase of Danielle Smith comes with a free Kevin O’Leary, who is only one set of dogshit hair plugs away from going Full Musk.
Doug Ford
While the best buy for condo developers, this late model Ford is still a worthy purchase as long as you can get a family discount. Plus he comes with a bunch of neat hats which makes him look very cool and not at all like a giant loser who everyone talks shit about the second you leave the room, Doug.
Justin Trudeau
If ethics aren’t your thing, this gently used PM-turned-MP is all yours for a little light bribery – plus, he comes in a variety of colours!
Pierre Poilievre
Don’t let your dream of owning a potato-faced dork be limited to members of the GOP! With the charm of a hemorrhoid and the charisma of a bowl of cold chowder smeared across a Circle K bathroom, Poilievre is an effective multi-tool capable of capitulating to big business all while knee-capping affordable housing. He is currently in the process of blowing a slam-dunk election, however, so be sure to snatch him up before he’s gone!
Jesus Christ is King
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