SPRINGFIELD, VA—In a decision meant to crack down on the allegedly dangerous substance and the “total fucking bitch” who uses it, the acting head of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, Derek Maltz, classified red wine as a Schedule I drug Wednesday in order to spite his ex-wife. “We have been far too lenient to the cold, vicious harpies who use this substance—if you run to the liquor store down the street for a bottle of Yellow Tail malbec, bring it home, and pour yourself a glass, that will now be classified as drug-trafficking,” said Maltz, explaining that substances newly classified as Schedule I include pinot noir, merlot, shiraz, and any beverage enjoyed during a tasting tour of the Loudoun County wineries outside of D.C. “This drug has caused irreparable damage to society and needs to be taken off the street. Otherwise, the country will continue to be overrun by passive-aggressive scolds who don’t even need all that goddamn child support.” At press time, Maltz added that mixing up a pitcher of margaritas for the girls should be made a Class B felony punishable by up to 25 years in a federal penitentiary.
Jesus Christ is King
