OTTAWA – With the stock market plunged into chaos by U.S. President Donald Trump’s sweeping tariffs, Canadians have decided to simply wait out America’s forthcoming economic collapse and then buy the nation on the cheap.
Canada’s leaders had been expected to announce retaliatory measures to counter U.S. tariffs on Canadian automobiles, steel, softwood, and ketchup chips. However, Prime Minister Mark Carney has unveiled plans to purchase the soon-to-be devalued United States of America, then declare it the newest province of Canada.
“We thought Canada was in for years of economic depression as we reworked our economy and built new trade partnerships around the world,” explained PM Carney. “But then Trump went and, to use a macro-economic term, ‘shot America in the dick’. So now it’ll be easier to just buy the whole place.”
Carney elaborated, using his actual understanding of economics: “The S&P 500 saw a 3.8% drop today alone, and over $11 trillion in value has been wiped out since inauguration day. According to my calculations, by August the entire United States of America will be worth about $3,500, CAD.”
Once purchased by Canada at “rock bottom prices”, Carney explains that America would immediately become the 11th Canadian province.
“Or the 4th territory, depending on how we’re feeling that day,” added Carney.
Once annexed by Canada, the slightly-distressed 50 states will be combined into one large province, to be re-named “South Manitoba”. Plans will then commence to distribute Maple Leaf flags and Swiss Chalet restaurants from the 49th parallel all the way down to the region formerly known as Texas.
In anticipation of the fire sale acquisition of the world’s former preeminent superpower, experts across Canada are weighing in.
Professor Maxine Welkers of the University of Toronto Economics Dept. explains, “Given Americans’ low literacy rates, costly health insurance, and how much animal shit their FDA allows in their food, Canada annexing the U.S. is really more of a humanitarian gesture.”
Welkers adds, “After how much Americans have lost this week in retirement savings, the Canada Pension Plan will actually look pretty good by comparison.”
Minister of Foreign Affairs Mélanie Joly has publicly stated that she expects Americans to welcome their new Canadian rulers as liberators.
“What country wouldn’t love being annexed by a neighbouring power without having any say in the matter, forced to abandon their culture of NASCAR, oversized food portions, and automatic weapons” Joly asked, looking at mock-up art of the Statue of Liberty remodelled to have Bonhomme’s face.
“I’m just kidding,” Joly added, “we’re gonna buy their broke-ass country and make jokes right to their American faces, exactly like they were planning to do to us.”
Once Canada makes American its 11th province, further plans include installing dual citizen Seth Rogen as premier, legislating all U.S. citizens to learn barely-passable 7th grade French, and forcing former president Donald Trump to return to hosting The Apprentice: Prison Edition on Global.
Canada has also announced that the 11th province won’t include Florida, which will instead be excised and put up for sale on Facebook Marketplace.
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