LEAWOOD, KS — The warmer spring temperatures sweeping across the nation were met with excitement, as a local man told everyone he saw that he couldn’t wait to get out there and suck at golf again.
Following a long winter break, Brent Porter was ready to bust out his golf bag, put on his brand new khakis and polo, and get out onto the links to spend a sunny spring day shouting curses and throwing his clubs in unbridled rage.
“It’s a beautiful day to be hopelessly inept,” Porter said as he loaded his clubs into the trunk of his car. “I’ve been waiting since last fall for a chance to put my lack of skill and inability to improve in any measurable way on full display for everyone around me. I spent a lot of time using a golf simulator to help me perfect slicing the ball off the tee so that it’d veer off and land 30 yards off the fairway. I’m ready!”
Porter’s longtime friend and golfing buddy, Ted Bertram, agreed. “Brent couldn’t wait to schedule a tee time,” Bertram said. “He’s been looking forward to the nicer weather so he can get back to ruining his day by shooting 50 over par on the front nine. I’m glad I’ll be able to get back into the swing of things by being embarrassed to be seen standing near him while he repeatedly calls himself an idiot after every shot.”
At publishing time, Porter had badly shanked his first drive off the tee on the first hole.
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