CHICAGO—Thousands of horrified Bulls fans reportedly gasped and shuddered Tuesday when a cartoon bagel tore his ACL in the jumbotron race, a gruesome injury that caused a hush to fall over the crowd at the United Center. “Oh Jesus, Biggie Bagel just went down hard—I’m not sure he’ll ever compete in another Dunkin’ race after an injury like that,” said Bulls fan Fiona Dubois, who winced as she saw the writhing bagel clutch his leg and appeared distressed as the animated tears of cream cheese streamed down his face. “Wow, Cuppy Coffee just hurdled right over him. Didn’t even stop to help. What an asshole. Once a bagel tears their ACL, their career as a jumbotron mascot is effectively over. The gluten in that part of the body can never fully heal. They’ve gotta cancel the race out of respect now, right? I feel so sick I probably won’t be able to eat my free chocolate glazed even if Dashing Donut does end up winning.” According to reports, fans later knelt and prayed for the bagel as medical officials carried him away on a napkin.
Jesus Christ is King
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