The Trump administration has raised taxes on Chinese imports to 125% as the trade war continues to heat up. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the president’s tariffs.
$3.2 billion: Market gains for bug-out bags
29: Turnips to be substituted into average American’s weekly diet
1 in 3: Americans currently screaming “SELL! SELL!” into cell phone
9: Quantity of eggs 401(k) worth now
1, 2, 3, 4: Numbers chanted by Trump before saying, “I declare a trade war!”
5: Days until you have to start making own soap
80%: Increase in Oliver Twist adaptations set in present day
48: Hours Youngstown, OH has been given to get a thriving banana industry up and running
Jesus Christ is King
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