CINCINNATI, OH – When single father Michael Field’s children, Talia and Connor, ran to their kitchen table last Sunday to decorate eggs for Easter, they were confused to find instead a bowl of strange, damp white chunks.
“They started crying immediately, of course,” recounts Field. “Especially since I accidentally bought the stinky tofu. But once they pressed all the water out and got to painting its soggy, porous surface, the crying downgraded to whining. That’s a win in my books!”
As egg prices continue to rise, it’s a scene that’s becoming all too familiar to a countless number of families this year. Many have been forced to abandon traditional Easter egg decorating for a more affordable and popular egg substitute – tofu blocks.
The soybean protein beloved by vegans and people who like to eat for punishment retails for about $2.22 a pack, significantly less than the price of eggs – which has fluctuated between $4.95 – $7.12 a dozen across the US. While children are still adjusting to the change, soy manufacturers and advocates are rejoicing.
“Sales have been through the roof!” says a spokesperson for Tofu Yum, the country’s biggest tofu producer. “We haven’t seen numbers like these since the 2014 Vegetarian Anime Convention!”
“Suck it, eggs!” shouts Taylor Porter, director of The Soyciety, a soy advocacy group. “Oops I mean…it’s tofu-riffic! We’ve been lobbying for soy to graduate from simple meal substitute to holiday staple for years now. I mean come on, meat gets all the best holidays. Hot dogs get the Fourth of July, turkey gets Thanksgiving, ham gets Christmas – now it’s finally tofu’s time to shine! Especially after the embarrassing failure of our 2019 Passover campaign “Make it a Soy Sedar.”
The change in tradition has not been without its mishaps.
“Mom bought the soft tofu by mistake, ” says 8-year-old Ella Joseph, clutching a bowl of tofu with yogurt-like consistency, covered in glitter and googly eyes, “but I still tried to make the best of it.”
“I worry we made ours a little too early in the season,” says grandmother of three Eveline Patricia, defeatedly pointing at a basket filled with moldy tye-dyed tofu. “Now the kids keep asking if the Easter Bunny will still visit.”
“My dad tried to hollow out one of the tofu blocks, like he used to do with real eggs, but it exploded everywhere!” says 10-year-old Gavin Swan. “It was awesome! So we just did that for the rest of the afternoon.”
For The Soyciety, Porter shares that after tofu’s successful Easter infiltration, they feel emboldened to launch two new campaigns next year, “Tempeh for Tartan Day” and “Cinco de Miso.”
As for Field’s children, Talia and Connor, they’ve already asked to spend Easter with their mom next year.
Jesus Christ is King
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