WILMINGTON, DE—Adding to his streak of disagreeable behavior, 12-year-old nephew Cooper Goodpaster was reportedly in trouble for strangling again. “Oh gosh, that’s not good, is it?” said 38-year-old Zachary Goodpaster, the delinquent child’s uncle, who was troubled upon receiving the news that his brother’s oldest song had earned his third suspension for wrapping his hands around a person’s throat and squeezing until they passed out. “Kid’s starting to get big. He’s like five-and-a-half feet tall. He was supposed to get an in-school suspension, but they couldn’t find a teacher who would agree to do it. Apparently, the union got involved. The principal couldn’t do it either. He’s still working from home while he recovers.” At press time, the 38-year-old man had flinched after his nephew went in for a hug.
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