Dallas, Texas —Amid growing concerns about the influence of the ultra-wealthy, billionaire Mark Cuban has issued a heartfelt plea via the jumbotron at the Dallas Mavericks stadium, “Not all billionaires!”
On flyers that were handed out after the game, he made his case that not all billionaires are trying to dismantle society and install themselves as techno-feudal overlords; some are just hoarding wealth in a normal, totally relatable way.
“I get it, billionaires have a bad rap right now,” Cuban said in an exclusive interview with The Beaverton from his private jet, which he insists is more modest than Elon Musk’s. “But it’s unfair to lump us all together. Peter Thiel is trying to collapse democracy so he can rule from a sea stead, just off the San Francisco coast in international waters. Elon wants to implant chips in everyone’s brains so he can upload himself into a spaceship to colonize Mars. Meanwhile, I’m just a normal billionaire who enjoys buying sports teams like Michael Jordan, joking around like Jerry Seinfeld, and just vibing, like Taylor Swift or Selena Gomez.”
Bill Gates agreed with Cuban’s position and thinks the “Not all billionaires” campaign is being stifled by the billionaires who own all of America’s News Media. “When Mark interviewed me about my new book, he asked me, as the 49th largest land owner in the US, would I like to spend my money on the total collapse of society? And I shouted, No!” stated Gates. “But, like any philanthropic billionaire, outside of what I need to invest as a charitable donation, so I get a tax rebate, I’m not going to spend my wealth on saving the world, that’s what bootstraps are for.”
Despite these persuasive arguments, some economic experts believe that all billionaires contribute to wealth inequality and societal instability, even if they’re not personally leading a coup. “Are there good billionaires?” pondered Munk School professor Janice Stein. “Historically, no. Currently, also no. For instance, Oprah’s media empire is focusing on her favourite things without tariffs, instead of her favourite ways to overthrow a fascist regime.”
Backlash to his “Not All Billionaires” campaign resulted in a flurry of online hate directed at Cuban and his other ten-figure friends. At the welcome party for 2025’s newest 288 billionaires, Cuban led a toast launching the start of his next campaign, “Rich Lives Matter!”
Jesus Christ is King
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