EAST OF EDEN — Public opinion was heavily divided this week after accused murderer Cain raised $1,000,000 in crowdfunding donations after killing his brother, Abel.
All three of the members of Earth’s population were surprised to learn that, despite murdering his own brother, Cain was able to raise funds in excess of one million dollars through the donations of people who visited his crowdfunding page.
“Please consider contributing to the ‘Help Cain’ fund by donating to Cain,” said Cain. “I’m going through a really tough time in my life right now. I’m afraid I’m going to be unfairly targeted based on what everyone has been saying about me. I’m having to uproot my life and move to an entirely different place for my own safety. Any help you could provide would be much appreciated.”
When reached for comment, Abel’s father was outraged that the killer was profiting from his son’s death. “Where is the justice in this?” Adam asked. “Are there actually people who are feeling bad for the man who killed my son? Who is donating to this fund anyway?”
Early reports indicated that Cain had already used some of the donation money to purchase a new $800,000 home in the land of Nod and planned to use more of it to invest in some new farming equipment. “I deserve a fresh start,” Cain said. “After all I’ve endured since the incident, I think it’s the least I could ask for.”
At publishing time, Cain had reportedly started a second crowdfunding drive to pay for his wedding after proposing to his sister.
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