LONDON — Prosecutors were stopped in their tracks this week and left with no recourse to pursue the case any further, after a suspect in a recent stabbing incident in the United Kingdom pleaded Muslim.
Sources close to the case said authorities had been confident that the alleged perpetrator would be quickly convicted and sentenced for the violent crime, but were dismayed upon hearing that the suspect’s legal counsel would be entering a “Muslim” plea.
“I’m afraid there’s little that can be done at this point,” said lead Crown Prosecutor Aleister Burlington. “We thought we had all the evidence needed to convict the suspect, but pleading ‘Muslim’ is an airtight defense. Had we realized he was a Muslim, we would have never brought the charges in the first place. We were under the impression that this was a horribly violent stabbing and weren’t aware that it was a traditional, ceremonial Islamic stabbing.”
The suspect’s barrister emphasized the importance of entering the plea. “There’s simply no way my client can be charged with a crime,” said Ellington Bedfordshire. “At the time he committed the stabbing, he was a practicing Muslim, thereby absolving him of any guilt in the incident. His inherent Muslimness weighed heavily into his decision to go stabbing in the first place. By entering our plea of ‘Muslim,’ it is our hope that this case will be thrown out altogether, as it should. Muslim.”
At publishing time, the UK court had apologized to the suspect and instead brought charges against the stabbing victim for getting in the way of the attacker’s knife.
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