Canada stuck between making new friends and sticking with that one friend that’s gotten super conservative
CANADA – A somewhat reclusive and middle-aged Canada admitted it is stuck between making new friends or sticking with the one friend they’ve had forever, despite them recently becoming noticeably more conservative.
Already facing an increasingly busy work life, the maturing nation of Canada opened up about its longtime friend and neighbour.
“He’s always been a little on the right-leaning side compared to me,” says Canada of his longtime pal. “Listening to Rogan, being super into guns and WW2 history, making the odd mildly racist joke – it was always pretty minimal, and I’ve known him so long I always just took it with a grain of salt. But lately he’s really gone off the deep end.”
According to Canada, the shift seemed sudden, but looking back, they should’ve seen the signs.
“I should have seen it coming when he signed up for neighbourhood watch and started getting super into Yellowstone,” admits Canada. “But I brushed it off thinking ‘hey, maybe they just really like Kevin Costner’. Then the other day, we’re joking around like usual, they’re saying their normal jokes about how ‘Europe is socialist’ or whatever and then out of blue they just say ‘Canada shouldn’t be a country’. I was like dude, what the fuck?”
“They were honestly never this bad when we were growing up,” adds Canada. “When social media came out they definitely got worse, but this isn’t just them being some alt-right edgelord for attention, this is a whole other level.”
As the friendship continues to decline, Canada says they’re continuing to make an effort, trying to enjoy shared activities.
“I’m trying to just stick with stuff we both enjoy, like hockey, and avoid talking politics,” recalls Canada. “But when some of the stuff they’re saying is so personal it’s hard to avoid it and we end up arguing, and not in a funny way – like the time I wouldn’t go on the boys trip to Iraq and he busted my balls about it forever.”
Despite their friends’ increasingly extreme views, Canada admitted it was still undecided about what to do with their friendship.
“It’s a real switch up to go from one really close friend, to like eight sorta-close friends, like Europe has,” adds Canada. “It’s a lot of work making new friends, and honestly at my age I just don’t know if I have it in me. Where do you even meet new friends as a middle-aged country – some lame climate conference?”
“Plus, it’s tough to break into an established friend group,” laments Canada. “They have all this shared history, these inside jokes, even some of their families are related to each other. They’re nice enough but always feel like there’s an ocean between you. Plus, if I’m being honest, they seem super cool and progressive but if you hang out with them long enough you realize they’re just as racist as the US but in a different way. Although they do think I should exist, so at least there’s that.”
On again, off-again friend group member Mexico confirms that they’ve been treated similarly, and had no easy answers for Canada.
“If you want my take, I think they’re realizing they’ve peaked, and now that they’re coming to terms with that, they’re trying to re-live their glory days by doing what they’ve always done best: bullying the shit out of everyone,” says Mexico.
“It’s sad, really,” adds Canada. “When they were really young, before we were even friends, their parent states almost split up. All this time I thought they were better, but I feel like maybe they just never really got over it.”
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