AUGUSTA, ME—In a stunning discovery that linked all 1.4 million residents to a grisly unsolved cold case, the U.S. Department of Justice escalated its attacks on Maine Friday when it allegedly planted a gun on the state. “Well, well, well, what do we have here?” U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi said as she held up the weapon with a rubber glove, adding that the Beretta 92FS pistol—which had allegedly been used in several high-profile murders, including a recent triple homicide—had the state population’s DNA all over it. “Likely story this isn’t yours. I bet if we keep looking, we’ll find bullet casings and a body too. And if that happens? Let’s just say you all will be going away for a very, very long time.” At press time, Maine’s populace had been detained and taken in for questioning after attempting to flee across the Canadian border.
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