Man in movie theatre just needs to use his phone to send a quick text and read the complete works of Lucy Maud Montgomery
EDMONTON – As a hotly-anticipated blockbuster began playing in a packed theatre, 36-year-old Colin Schneider reassured his fellow moviegoers that he’d put his incredibly bright phone away just as soon as he finished reading hundreds of thousands of words by one of Canada’s most iconic writers.
“Sorry everyone, I just need to let my girlfriend know I’m in a movie, respond to a very important email, and make some serious progress on Pat of Silver Bush,” Schneider shouted as the movie’s opening scene imparted crucial information. “She just loves her home so much.”
Schneider, who chose a seat in the centre of the front row to ensure that nearly everyone could see his glowing screen, loves going to movies because they allow him to stare at his phone for hours without getting distracted.
“I just want to focus on Lucy Maud’s writing without being waylaid by work or errands,” Schneider loudly told reporters as two characters in the film exchanged crucial dialogue. “We all know Montgomery for Anne of Green Gables, of course, but she wrote many other novels and hundreds of short stories, not to mention her underappreciated nonfiction work.”
Schneider confirmed he would take regular breaks from Montgomery’s work throughout the 134-minute film to send more texts, scroll TikTok with the sound on, and have a 17 minute phone conversation with his father, during which he would repeatedly confirm, “Yeah, it’s fine, I can talk now.”
“The last thing you want to do on an ambitious reading project is burn out halfway through,” Schneider said as the movie’s hero mourned the sudden loss of their spouse. “Little breaks help you appreciate how, for example, Emily of New Moon is completely different from Anne even though they’re both about young orphans.”
“I just wish more men would take the time to read our classic female authors.”
At press time, about half of the theatre’s occupants were too engrossed in their own phones to notice Schneider using his.
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