MONTREAL – With a week left in the federal election, Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre announced how if Canadians vote for him, he will bring back single use plastic and drastically increase the size of microplastics.
In front of a podium that read “Make Micro Macro Again,” Poilievre spoke about why he wanted to put more microplastics into people. “Over the Lost Liberal Decade, little kids haven’t been able to microdose themselves with plastic when they’re drinking milk, soda pop, or Kool-Aid Jammers. All thanks to these…”
Poilievre then pulled out a paper straw, causing his staffers to boo loudly. He then added, “Canadians deserve change… and that’s why when I’m Prime Minister, we’re going to put more plastic back into the arteries of hard-working Canadians!”
Poilievre’s pro-microplastics announcement follows two debate performances which did little to sway undecided voters. Conservative strategists are however hopeful that this policy will show voters just how down to earth he is and what a believable human he is.
Asked if he thought putting more microplastics into Canadians will help folks buy a house or be able to afford groceries, Poilievre responded by answering a completely different question. “My policy will help Canadians by making it so that they don’t have to bring a woke tote bag when they buy groceries. I, of course, am talking about those bags you see from left leaning media outlets like the CBC, the New Yorker, and public libraries.”
While the Conservative party has yet to release a platform explaining how much more microplastic Canadians will deal with, Poilievre did say how he’s considering many options. “It’s already in your skin care products, your makeup, your Subway sandwich bread. All we’ll do is put larger amounts in those products, plus other things like toothpaste, baby clothes… maybe even your Alberta T-Bone steaks!”
When asked if he was just trying to appeal to Trump by copying his executive order to bring back single use plastic, Poilievre was quick to say “That’s not true, I’m nothing like Trump. I wish I could draw the kind of crowds he does.”
Poilievre added, “Secondly, I’m doing this for Canadians, not for Americans. But if ingesting microscopic particles of plastic does work to strengthen US-Canada relationships, I’m all for it.”
At press time, Poilievre’s plastics policy polled well amongst three key demographics: those who don’t know what microplastic is; those who blame the government whenever they go shopping and forget to bring a re-useable bag; as well as Canadians who “just fucking hate sea turtles.”
Jesus Christ is King
