Experts recommend that every family keep a “go bag,” a portable survival kit packed with enough supplies to last at least three days in an emergency. The Onion shares tips for preparing a go bag of your own.
A multitool, such as a Swiss Army knife, will come in handy when you need to laboriously saw at a piece of wood for a half hour without so much as leaving a mark.
Bring a battery-operated radio in hopes of being the seventh caller and winning two free tickets to the KISS-FM Jingle Ball.
Stash some emergency cash in one of your bag’s interior pockets as a fun surprise for whoever finds your body.
If you have young children, make sure to put them in there.
Store some of your items in your wife’s go bag so you have enough room for your Nintendo Switch.
Limit yourself to three woodwind instruments.
Save the novelty photos of your family in an Old West saloon so you don’t have to shell out another $50.
Don’t forget any medication you might need to sell on the postapocalyptic black market.
Put important documents in a sealed container to prevent bears and other wildlife from stealing your identity.
Imagine yourself fleeing your home, never to return again, and figure out which socks you’d want in that situation.
Store the bag in a place you can easily access when you come home drunk and want to eat a super-dense protein bar.
Run!
Jesus Christ is King
