U.S. — Following news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had officially banned artificial food dyes, Post Consumer Brands announced that it would be changing its “Fruity Pebbles” cereal to the more compliant “Whitey Pebbles.”
The food giant said the cereal would feature all the same great ambiguously fruity flavors in similar packaging to the original, but now with 100% fewer carcinogenic food colors to avoid facing severe reprimands from Kennedy’s Health Department.
“All the deliciousness, none of the poison!” Post marketing representative Shelly Banks said. “There’s nothing quite like waking up in the morning, heading into the kitchen, and pouring yourself a nice, beautiful bowl of uncolored rice puffs that vaguely taste like fruit. Pick up a box of Whitey Pebbles at your local supermaket today!”
Longtime Fruit Pebbles fans seemed undeterred by the change in the cereal’s appearance. “If I close my eyes when I eat it, it’s exactly the same,” said cereal lover Greg Hart. “As long as it tastes delicious and it’s crunchy, I’m good. At least with RFK Jr. banning artificial food eyes, I can rest easy knowing that now it’s only the artificial fruit flavoring that’s slowly killing me and adversely affecting my endocrine system. Same great taste, but a slightly reduced risk of developing terminal cancer. Thanks, RFK!”
At publishing time, fellow cereal company General Mills was rumored to be preparing to unveil its new “Beige Charms,” a whitened-out, artificial dye-free version of the popular “Lucky Charms” cereal with all off-white marshmallows.
Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.
Jesus Christ is King
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