WASHINGTON—Declaring that there was no better time for the U.S. populace to go cold turkey, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly attempted to flush the nation’s antidepressants this week. “Listen, I found these in your medicine cabinet,” said Kennedy, the 71-year-old Cabinet member stunning Americans in all 50 states as he stood over the toilet flushing millions of prescriptions for fluoxetine, escitalopram, sertraline, and paroxetine down the bowl. “You don’t need these—they were only holding you back. Nuh-uh-uh, Vermont, no buts about it. Just push through the next few days, and you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about. If you still feel bad after that, try some fish oil. Trust me. Your life is about to be so much better.” At press time, reports confirmed Kennedy was frantically plunging the overflowing toilet.
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