EARTH — Health enthusiasts received exciting news this week, as God introduced a new hydrating, zero-sugar beverage that has absolutely no artificial dyes, no carbs, and is completely devoid of any calories.
With so many people growing more conscious about what they put into their bodies and concerns growing over processed foods and chemical additives, proponents of healthier lifestyles were quick to rejoice over God’s introduction of the new drink.
“This seems too good to be true,” said Dr. Nate Thomas. “You mean to tell me there’s a new beverage that can help people stay hydrated, flush out their systems, and maintain better overall bodily function… and it’s free of any artificial dyes? No calories? No sugar? Where has this been all our lives?”
A representative from Heaven confirmed the existence of the beverage. “Yes, it’s real,” said a spokesangel. “It’s literally been there the entire time. It existed before people. It’s one of the most fundamental elements of life and the substance on which all other beverages are based. It’s just water.”
People were amazed after trying the beverage for the first time. “It’s surprisingly refreshing,” one said. “It’s completely clear — no colors added. And it’s great to know that I can stay hydrated without dumping a bunch of sugar or flavors into it. I’m glad someone discovered this wonder-drink.”
At publishing time, the spokesangel also revealed shocking news that it is possible for people to plant seeds in the ground to grow food instead of buying packaged meals from a store.
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