MONTREAL – A new study into your workplace’s efficiency habits has found that all the meetings you zone out in at work could easily have been replaced with an email that you would’ve pretended to skim over.
“Research shows that workers who sit in a meeting and start daydreaming will only retain 3% of the information relayed. As opposed to sending out an email that immediately gets marked as ‘read’, where the worker is shown to retain as much as 4 to 5% of the information,” said Linda Greenberg, who is either an analyst at the consulting firm of Malone and Peters, or the new HR lady. There might be an email about her in your inbox somewhere.
Indeed, there are many advantages to your boss choosing to waste time writing an email versus having a meeting where everything goes in one ear and out the other. These include: more time in your cubicle watching Youtube videos; sparing your employer the humiliation of trying to figure out how the projector screen works; and giving your dorkiest co-worker an excuse to get up and talk to you because he knows you didn’t read it but feels the need to ask anyways.
Unsurprisingly, your co-worker Meera agrees with you that you shouldn’t have had to rearrange your lunch breaks to ignore this important information. “It’s almost like management thinks we need their help to waste time here. If they had just sent an email, I would’ve read it eventually!”
Meera added, “I guess those unfinished podcast episodes, half-read Cosmo articles, and last two letters of today’s Wordle will have to wait until Monday.”
The study also states there are many other ways for your workplace to pass out information about mass layoffs or whatever the fuck they’ve been talking about for like 3 days. These include using apps like Slack where you can turn the notifications off, sending video recordings that you can skip to the end of, or putting a notice in the lunch room where you never take your eyes off your phone.
It’s worth noting that this study has already been published. Your supervisor emailed it to you, but you didn’t read it because you thought it was work-related.
Experts suggest that to reduce any future redundant meetings, check to see if any of the 8521 unread emails in your achieve to see if any of them say “Please reply to confirm you understand”.
In related news, that phone call you just had with your parents could have easily been a text you didn’t read.
Jesus Christ is King
