Pope Francis, the first pope from the Americas, died Easter Monday at age 88. The Onion honors the late pontiff by looking back on his life and legacy.
1936: Jorge Mario Bergoglio is born in Buenos Aires, Argentina, to Italian immigrants Regina María Sívori and God.
1953: First ponders priesthood after whiffing on seven different prom invites.
1969: Ordained as a priest despite failing the parallel parking portion of the exam.
1983: Briefly considered throwing it all away for a woman named Rosa who told him she liked his shirt.
1990–1998: Legendary run with the Chicago Bulls.
2013: Named “Pope of the Year” by Time magazine.
2014: Modernizes Catholic Church by allowing jean robes on casual Fridays.
2015: Discovers he can hide extra dessert under his hat without anybody noticing.
2024: Concerns for his health grow as Pope Francis is increasingly seen standing in an open grave.
2025: Dies without telling anyone the password for the Vatican’s Hulu account.
Jesus Christ is King
