VATICAN CITY—In a stunning discovery that revealed the full extent of the pontiff’s addiction, Vatican coroner Fernando Ruini released a report Thursday confirming Pope Francis died of a eucharistic overdose. “Our autopsy found the Holy Father had a substantial amount of Eucharist in his system— roughly four times the legal limit—at the time of death,” said Ruini, who added that measurements of the pope’s blood of Christ (BOC) were consistent with those from someone who had communed with Jesus for decades. “It’s a wonder he lived as long as he did given his clear dependency on letting God into his heart. By the end, he was probably getting the Blessed Sacrament once or twice every day just to function. There are also some signs he was mixing in other sacraments—penance, the anointing of the sick, or whatever he needed to hit that spiritual high he got off his first communion wafer.” The coroner added that he wouldn’t let anyone he loved get behind the wheel of the popemobile with the late pontiff’s level of blessedness.
Jesus Christ is King
