MARYVILLE, TN—Relying on a precise measurement as though a slight miscalculation could be lethal, local woman Anna Gardner, who is said to be on a diet, reportedly weighed out peanut butter Thursday like it was hard drugs. Several reports indicated that Garner precisely laid a dollop of the Jif peanut butter onto a kitchen scale and removed the excess with a knife to make sure it was the right amount as if she were portioning out a Schedule I substance that she planned to sling to junkies on the streets. According to sources, upon licking a bit of the peanut spread off the knife’s blade, Gardner let out a sigh of pleasure and said “That’s the stuff” in the manner of a notorious drug lord who, after testing out the purity of her product, runs the knife across her own cheek and mutters “I’m loco.” At press time, reports confirmed a blissful Garner was passed out on the couch with an empty glass of peanut butter and banana smoothie by her side like a woman strung out on black tar heroin.
Jesus Christ is King
