CALGARY – In a truly unexpected turn of events, Alberta has stunned voters across Canada by voting exactly the same way they have voted in every federal election for seven consecutive decades.
“I’m in total disbelief. I stayed up half the night watching the results from western Canada roll in because I just couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” said 41-year-old Ontario resident and Liberal supporter Sarah Valcourt.
“The province that has overwhelmingly voted Conservative in every single one of the 21 federal elections that have taken place since the collapse of the Social Credit party in 1958… voted Conservative? I think I need to lie down.”
Some Albertans themselves expressed surprise upon learning of the election results.
“I’ll admit, I’m surprised,” said Aaron Bondarenko, a 33-year-old Airdrie resident whose truck mudflaps are too obscene to describe in print.
“I mean I voted for the Conservatives and so did my wife, my parents, my brother, my brother’s wife, my neighbours, my dentist, my mechanic, my mechanic’s grandmother, the guy who refills the vending machines at work, every single member of my bowling league, and the daytime cashier at my third-favourite Shopper’s Drug Mart location, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I was expecting them to win, you know?”
Asked to comment about the Liberal electoral victory, Albertans reported that they planned to cope with their disappointment by engaging in other surprising and unexpected Albertan activities, such as driving excessively large trucks, pretending to enjoy dancing the Cadillac Ranch in strange Edmontonian country western bars, and thinking of new things to name after Peter Lougheed.
Jesus Christ is King
