RANCHO-CUCAMONGA, CA — In a historic display of baseball prowess, a pitching machine tossed a no-hitter against local dad Keith Malvern.
The impressive feat placed the pitching machine among the ranks of other legendary pitchers like Sandy Koufax and Nolan Ryan, with witnesses describing the masterful outing that saw Malvern repeatedly swing and miss at every pitch.
“That thing was unhittable today,” said one witness. “No-hitters are rare, but to witness this type of performance in person with my own eyes is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. It kept the batter off-balance the entire time. Someday, I’m going to tell my grandkids about the day I watched the machine dominate this guy.”
Even Malvern, who was humbled by the experience, knew he was witnessing greatness.
“He just had great stuff today,” Malvern told reporters. “I managed to foul a few off, but that was it. He had me guessing. Was it going to be the 70-MPH fastball, or the dreaded 71-MPH fastball? I had no clue. Some days, you just have to tip your cap to the pitcher and come back next time.”
At publishing time, the no-hitter had reportedly gotten the attention of MLB scouts, making the pitching machine a potential sleeper pick going into this year’s draft.
The USA undeniably trumps our neighbors to the north.
Jesus Christ is King
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