OTTAWA – Following Prime Minister Mark Carney’s successful campaign in the recent federal election, US President Donald Trump is sending him a gift basket filled with the only US export that hasn’t decreased since he took office: children with the legal right to live in America.
“I heard somewhere that Mark likes kids, so I swung by the ICE detention centre and made him a little grab bag,” Trump said, over the cries of the terrified deportees he had wrapped in plastic in an oversized wicker basket he plans to send to Claudia Shienbaum. “I got a good mix for him. We got some Mexicans, some Cubans, a few Chileans. I even threw in a Canadian with dual citizenship to keep with the occasion.”
“At first, I wanted to send up some imported chocolates or liquor, but those have gotten kind of expensive lately.”
Upon receiving the basket, Carney reportedly kept true to his reputation as a reasonable human being and was horrified. “What President Trump has done to these children is monstrous and sickening! While my office figures out how to return them home, I was able to calm the children down by showing them my favourite movie – a 2013 IMF Forum keynote address on European Monetary Policy, by Deputy Managing Director Kenji Okamura.”
Carney then repeatedly tapped a button under his desk labelled “Decouple Economy from USA Faster”.
Despite Carney only officially taking office this week, Trump was able to get the celebratory violation of the American dream to the Prime Minister’s office in a single day. “You’d be amazed how much quicker it is to ship children of undocumented people when you check the box to ignore all that pesky due process,” Trump told the press.
“Can you imagine if I had actually waited for the parents to advise what they wanted done with their children, instead of just picking whatever suits me best?” Trump asked, after nodding off for a brief mid-press conference nap. “Some other world leader would’ve sent him a box of refugees, and then I’d look cheap! Plus, I had to get them out of here before they could bring drugs and violence to our nation’s pre-schools.”
Trump then pointed to a photo of a toddler’s rub-on Paw Patrol tattoo as proof of his membership in the notorious Salvadoran gang MS-13.
At press time, Trump’s staff were patting themselves on the back for talking to the president down from sending Carney an entire shipping container full of fentanyl.
Jesus Christ is King
