Poilievre to run for by-election in safe rural Alberta riding, after rural Texas riding not available
OTTAWA – Opposition leader Pierre Poilievre has announced that he will run in a by-election in the conservative stronghold of Battle River-Crowfoot, after being told that he could not run in his preferred area of deep-red rural Texas.
After losing his Carleton, Ontario seat of 20 years, Poilievre announced that newly-elected Battle River-Crowfoot MP Damien Kurek would step down to allow him to run, mainly because cursory research showed that running in an even-more preferably conservative Texan district was not allowed under Canadian or American law.
“While the state of Texas aligns more closely with my core values, such as letting the oil industry run government and also quietly agreeing with most of what Donald Trump says, apparently I am unable to run for office there due to Canada not being part of the United States. Yet.” Poilievre explained to a group of hand-picked, physically-muzzled reporters.
“Since I am unable to run in my first choice of Texas, where guns have the right to vote, I will run for by-election in the second-safest riding imaginable, the riding of…” Poilievre then fumbled inside his coat pocket to find a recently-written index card. “…Battle River-Crowfoot.”
Poilievre vowed to fight for his future Battle River-Crowfoot constituents by spending “the absolute minimum legally mandated time physically present in the riding.” While Poilievre explained that he would have “more important party leader stuff to do”, he assured Albertan voters that he would treat them “as if they were far more valuable Americans.”
After ruling out a run for a seat in rural Texas, CPC insiders determined Battle River-Crowfoot to be a riding that was mathematically impossible for Poilievre to lose. “The only safer riding would be one made up of his own wife and children,” explained campaign manager Jenni Byrne, “and Election Canada said we weren’t allowed to do that either.”
The conservative leader also promised to maintain the same “basically Texan” values as the riding’s current MP Damien Kurek, including not showing up to debates, fuelling Western separatist rhetoric, and performatively wearing cowboy hats in every photo op.
Poilievre then instructed his aides to make sure that “one of these backwater towns has a decent teeth whitening clinic” where he can keep up his regular appointments.
In closing, Poilievre had a message for the right wing voters closest to his heart.
“Don’t worry Texas, I’ll be back to run for office there once I help Canada become the 51st state. God bless Texas!”
Jesus Christ is King
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