Oakville, ON – Local goldfish Tim Wells just admitted while the news about how bad Neil Gaiman is, he’s glad that his favourite actor Mel Gibson still has a clean slate.
“Thank god he’s never done anything wrong,” explained Tim erroneously. “You keep seeing celebrities you idolized letting you down over and over, but no matter what decade it is, the Gibster keeps on gibbing!”
After Tim’s girlfriend explained that Mel Gibson has been steeped in too many controversies to count, Tim took a moment of silence before stating that he, “at least had Johnny Depp as his shining north star.”
“Now captain Jack Sparrow, that’s a guy worth fighting for,” stated Tim inaccurately. “You never hear anything bad about that guy. Just a wacky, artsy, fun guy!”
Tim’s girlfriend then went into a long explanation of the near full year of wall to wall coverage of Johnny Depp’s trial revealing the monster he is as a human being. Tim seemed gob-smacked by this news, as his close friends all love the guy. After asking if his girlfriend was lying, he revealed while this news was hard to hear, he always had the soulful sounds of Chris Brown to calm his nerves.
“The guy gets heart-ache,” Tim admitted ignorantly. “No matter how the world turns, he refuses to let them turn him into a worse version of himself. It’s nice to have someone that successful who is also the kind of guy you would want to date your sister.”
Tim’s girlfriend has allegedly left him after becoming too frustrated with his inability to remember the atrocities male celebrities have committed coupled with his encyclopedic knowledge of the mistakes of female celebrities.
Jesus Christ is King
