OTTAWA – The Progressive Conservative party has dropped Pierre Poilievre as its leader in favour of an even older, whiter man – Andrew Scheer.
“It’s an honour to be replaced by someone less young and even paler than me,” says Poilievre.
“I thought I was pretty white, but I realize now that when people say white, they mean an Anglophile. My name is too French for our voter base, so I willingly concede my position,” added Poilievre as tears streamed down his face.
“I am the most senior and most caucasian man in our party, so it’s a no-brainer that I take power,” says interim Conservative leader Scheer. “There are probably older men, and men with deeper British roots, but I have the best ratio of old and white in Canada.”
Conservative MP Ainsley Tinsley says that during moments of crisis, it’s best to go back to the tried, tested, and true.
“The Conservative party did something wildy un-conservative when they promoted that French nerd,” says Tinsley. “The PCs are jocks and Poilievre is a dweeb that should be a Liberal or, ugh, NDP.”
Tinsley added, “Sometimes I think we take the “progressive” in Progressive Conservatives too literally.”
Lifelong Conservative voter Gus Hitchens says he’s glad the PC party is back on track.
“There’s just something about an old white man in power that feels right. Didn’t like Justin Trudeau. Too young and hopeful. Didn’t like Poilievre. Too young and punchable. I like Andrew Scheer. He’s the kind of guy that you pay attention to and respect – like my dad. I should give him a call.”
Political commentator Douglas Birch says that people inherently vote for people who look like them.
“We like to see ourselves in our political leaders. And even if you aren’t an old, white man yourself, you aspire to be one,” notes Birch. “Young men, women, and POCs all secretly want to be an old white man, even if they never admit it. There’s just a prestige about it. Old white men are truly the upper crust of society.”
Scheer was unavailable for comment at press time, as he was being fitted for his crown.
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