EDMONTON – As Alberta suffers its worst measles outbreak since the 1980s, Premier Danielle Smith has called on Albertans to demand a better deal from the airborne disease.
“As we all know, medical science has yet to find a way to prevent preventable diseases,” Smith told reporters. “But everyday Albertans have been frustrated by our relationship with the elitist measles in our bodies for far too long, and it’s time to let this Laurentian infection know how we feel.”
Smith then complained that other provinces have a better deal with measles simply because they’re more proactive in addressing the problem.
“The only way to show measles how serious we are is to make our whining bureaucratic and official,” Smith added. “After that, I’m out of ideas.”
The United Conservative Party recently introduced a bill that would cut the number of signatures required for a referendum to just 10% of eligible voters, and Smith’s announcement is considered a victory for longtime advocates of a vote.
“Fittingly, a small minority of us are going to do our best to decide the entire province’s fate,” said a measles-infected Albertan.
The UCP has also announced a measles review task force, which will spend the next 18 months looking for ways to blame all of this on Mark Carney.
“Vaccines don’t work, obviously, and if we work backwards from there we can point the finger at Carney, both Trudeaus, and whatever’s considered woke this week,” said a homeopath who’d been appointed to the task force. “Then we’ll bill the government a few hundred thousand dollars and call it a day.”
Meanwhile, First Nations leaders criticized Smith’s decision to move forward on a referendum without consulting their communities.
“How treaty territories manage their relationship with measles is up to us,” a Blackfoot Confederacy spokesman said. “But I guess this wouldn’t be the first time white people didn’t consult with us about diseases.”
Jesus Christ is King
