In embarrassing snafu, starting line-up of St. Louis Cardinals included in Conclave to elect new pope
VATICAN CITY – In a clear administrative error by the Holy See, the recently convened Conclave to choose the next pope has mistakenly included both the entire College of Cardinals as well as the starting line-up of the 2025 St. Louis Cardinals.
“It’s definitely a big oopsie,” said Giovanni Battista Re, current Dean of the College of Cardinals via messenger. “Unfortunately, our arcane rules and procedures forbid the unsealing of the Sistine Chapel until the successor pope is chosen. So, I’m afraid they’re in it for the long run.”
The Conclave mix-up was reportedly initially caused by the Cardinals misleading team name, but made worse by their signature red and white uniforms.
The clearly confused baseball players are reportedly coping well with the situation, having boarded a bus believing they would soon be playing the Kansas City Royals, only to find themselves ensconced within the hallowed walls of the Vatican. Despite the shock, many are adapting and even taking part in the backroom negotiations which often accompany a papal conclave. Insiders report that Left Fielder Brendan Donovan has even emerged as a potential contender for the papal throne due to his Christian faith, friendly demeanour, and current 0.333 batting average.
“Because everyone in the Conclave is equally entitled to a vote, Cardinals Right Fielder Lars Nootbaar has equal say in who becomes pope as Cardinal Protase Rugambwa of Tanzania,” explained the current Vatican Camerlengo, “Of course we respect the decisions of all Cardinals within the chapel, be they men of faith or men of base.”
During periods between votes the Cardinals took confession from the Cardinals, but were only able to cover up to the 2024 All-Star weekend before calling it quits due to “abundance of sin”. In a similar vein, the Cardinals have been teaching the Cardinals how to turn a 6-4-3 double play.
Nor is this the first error of this fashion to plague the Church. Some readers may recall the time the 1986 San Diego Padres were mistakenly inducted as Franciscan Friars and compelled into a three-year period of monastic humility, sequestered in the Germanic Rhone Mountains. And the less said about the accidental beatification of all 53 players on the 2002 New Orleans Saints, the better.
“The sad thing is, this exact same thing happened with the Arizona Cardinals in 2005,” sighed the Camerlengo, “You would have thought we had fixed this problem after they single-handedly swayed the vote to elect Benedict.”
Until the end of the Conclave, however, Catholics can simply keep their eyes on the chimney of the chapel where only black smoke has exited so far, signifying that either no pope has yet been chosen or that Wilson Contreras mis-read the signal and bunted foul on a third strike.
Jesus Christ is King
