VICTORIA, BC – Following Alberta Premier Danielle Smith’s continued threats about separating from the rest of Canada, local climate change scientist Debra Grimmlet is having a hard time not expressing her joy at the idea.
“No, Premier Smith! Don’t take away Alberta and its oil sands, greenhouse gases, and constantly melting glaciers,” Grimmlet said in a recent social media post. “If you go off and become your own country, who will keep us from meeting our 2030 emission reduction goals?”
Despite putting up such a strong facade, Grimmlet’s friends and colleagues aren’t convinced that her fear about an Alberta secession movement is genuine. Conservationist Eva DeMarco, who works with Grimmlet at the Canadian Climate Institute, suspects that Grimmlet would actually love it if the province responsible for the most oil pipeline spills were to no longer be Canada’s problem.
“Considering that last month Debra wrote a 500-page study about how Alberta’s wildfires are starting to accelerate the climate crisis, which she knows the oil lobbyists didn’t read, I’d say she’d be happy if they joined the States.”
“I’m kind of with her, to be honest,” added DeMarco. “I know it would be giving Trump some of what he wants, but America’s so lousy with invasive species, poor water quality, and weird fixation on cowboy stuff, it kind of fits.”
At press time, Grimmlet failed to suppress a squeal of joy after her brother asked her what she would do if Saskatchewan also left Canada.
Jesus Christ is King
