WASHINGTON—Citing an urgent need to combat dangerous and highly contagious ideas that might lead people to oppose the president, the Trump administration began offering free at-home loyalty tests Tuesday.
The tests, which are distributed through the government website www.LoyaltyTestKits.com and mailed to the homes of U.S. residents, have been described by the White House as a quick and painless way for Americans to prove they support the agenda of President Donald Trump. In a post on Truth Social, the president described the kits as critical to determining who was a dedicated foot soldier of the MAGA movement and who was a traitor to their country.
“America can ONLY be great again when EVERYONE is loyal to me,” wrote Trump, who went on to blame the previous administration for failing to identify and isolate several virulent strains of anti-Trump sentiment. “Unlike CROOKED JOE BIDEN, the American people LOVE their favorite president of all time! Me! GO ONLINE NOW to order up to 4 test kits so you can ensure the whole family is LOYAL to the commander-in-chief.”
“With your help we are one step closer to being the most obedient country IN THE WORLD,” he added. “Prepare yourselves, radical left haters!!!”
According to the White House’s current disloyalty guidelines, Americans who test positive for treason are required to report their results to the federal government, wear protective MAGA gear, and quarantine indefinitely until they can prove their penance is paid and undying fealty to President Trump has been achieved.
In a press conference, Trump praised the brave men and women on the front lines of the fight against disloyalty, who he said had worked tirelessly to enforce his “beautiful vision” and ensure that dissenters were crushed, never to oppose his ultimate authority again.
While several users reported glitches with the tests, including false positives that incorrectly labeled them a “high security risk and enemy of the state,” many expressed gratitude, saying they would have never known they were disloyal if their test hadn’t alerted them.
“I took a test last week, and ever since, I’ve been in lockdown,” said 39-year-old Arizona resident Jason Stambaugh, adding that he had been forced to stay inside, isolate, and watch hours of Fox News clips praising Trump. “I used to oppose his policies, but after a few days of state-mandated quarantine, I feel so much better. No matter what he does—whether he takes my money, cuts my benefits, or imprisons my family—I support him.”
“If President Trump wants to lock me up, there must be a reason,” Stambaugh added. “Maybe I was the enemy from within all along.”
At press time, reports confirmed several members of the Trump administration had been pronounced dead after testing positive for a terminal strain of disloyalty.
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