LDS Theologians Confirm Apostates Will Be Sent To Outer Darkness Where There Is Only Weeping And Imagine Dragons
SALT LAKE CITY — A letter issued by the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has clarified what lay members have long suspected: that upon death, apostates will be sent to outer darkness where there is only weeping and the sound of Imagine Dragons.
The official letter read in part, “The true nature of the outer darkness has been revealed. First things first, it is dark. Second, there is weeping, which may be because of the darkness, or maybe because Imagine Dragons is playing. Third, send a prayer to the ones up above, all the hate that you’ve heard has turned your spirit to a dove, oh-ooh! Your spirit up above, oh-ooh!”
A spokesperson for Imagine Dragons denied allegations that their music fills the outer darkness. “Imagine Dragons cannot be in the outer darkness. We would have been made aware of such a venue, and our lead singer would have already taken his shirt off there,” the spokesperson said.
Lead vocalist Dan Reynolds questioned the church document, stating that their music is “super dope” and that listening to it was not really tantamount to pain and suffering. “That seems a little harsh,” said Reynolds. “Our music is cool and brooding and stuff. Can I take my shirt off now?”
At publishing time, the First Presidency had retracted their original declaration after seeing it had inspired Imagine Dragons to write a new song.
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