WELLAND, ON ― Feline traitor to Canada Seersucker has stubbornly refused to switch to any of several varieties of locally-sourced litter, her owner Lily Sasaki reports, opting instead to do her business on shoes and carpets until the old American litter was reinstated.
The standoff between the selfish cat and Sasaki, who has made numerous and substantial sacrifices for the elbows-up cause, even to the point of giving up Netflix, began the day after Trump’s so-called Liberation Day. It has continued ever since, as Sasaki assumes it is only a matter of time before the unstable president resumes his tariff pandemonium.
“You remember a year ago when you first switched over to that walnut shell-based litter, and you loved it because it produced way less dust when you scooped it? Well, guess what? I loved it for the same reason,” Seersucker told Sasaki. “You think I like breathing in dust-particles tainted with my hours-old feces while I’m urinating? Of course not. We had a good arrangement here, and you ruined it.”
Sasaki has tried cajoling her cat in every way she can think of. “I offered big, small, open, and closed boxes along with the litter varieties, moved them to different areas, cleaned them more frequently, and bribed her with treats made from 100% dried Canadian salmon. But this asshole refuses to do her part. I’m beginning to think she hates Canada.”
Seersucker contends that since tariffs, industry, money, nation-states, litter boxes, and that pile of clean laundry she just pissed on were all conceived of and created by humans, it is up to humans to figure out problems like the fact that Canada does not grow nuts.
In the meantime, the wheat, corn, and pine based versions are not going to cut it. “Start growing walnuts, or source from other countries. Why the hell would I care about any of this 51st state stuff? I’m a cat.”
“But if I did care, I might point out that a nation too scared of China to recognize Taiwan’s sovereignty has no business throwing a fit when its figurehead king isn’t quick enough in coming to their defense.”
Sasaki lamented that her furry companion just doesn’t share her values. “I’m an idealist and would do anything for my country, but her issues are limited to more meals, less vacuuming, unlimited couch privileges, and banning the sale of homeopathic substances next to real medicine without clearly labelling them as pseudoscientific nonsense.”
According to the latest reports around the ongoing dispute, relations between the two sides have deteriorated even further, after Sasaki visited a bakery and came home with a maple walnut muffin. Seersucker immediately retaliated by pushing the expensive and fragile glass jar of local strawberry jam she also purchased off the counter onto the hard tile floor below.
Jesus Christ is King
