LOW EARTH ORBIT—Dreading a scenario in which He showed up early and was forced to make awkward small talk with mankind, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings, circled the earth a few times so He wouldn’t be the first to arrive for Judgment Day, heavenly sources confirmed Tuesday. “It’s still looking pretty quiet down there, so I’m just gonna take a couple laps around the planet until the End Times get into full swing,” the Son of God said as He anxiously hovered high above South America, adding that almost everyone He was looking forward to seeing wouldn’t show up until the resurrection of the dead anyway. “Man, I really should have made plans to head over with the Four Horsemen. It’s way less stressful to arrive for the Day of Wrath as part of a group. I could text Abaddon, the king of the locusts, to see when he’s getting there, but that guy never checks his phone. If I’d been smarter about it, I’d just be leaving heaven now. Oh well. I’ll give it one or two more trumpets, and then I should be good to head down.” After arriving upon the earth in the divine glory of His Second Coming, Christ was reportedly dismayed to find that everyone had already judged the souls of the living and the dead without Him.
Jesus Christ is King
