Wow, what a lovely backyard! It sure was kind of that family to hoist me so high into the air so I could enjoy swaying back and forth in the breeze and taking in this beautiful view. From way up here, I can’t help but notice all the sparkly streamers and balloons. Say, is it someone’s birthday today?
Oh hey! Here comes the birthday boy himself! Hello, little boy! I like your blindfold! And what an adorable little stick you’re carrying. Did you get that stick for your birthday? My, my, what a wonderful stick! You could use it for twirling or sword-fighting or digging in the dirt—ow!
Hey, what was that for?
Listen, little boy, I need you to be gentle with Mr. Piñata. Whacking me like that hurts. You wouldn’t want to hurt me, now, would you? I know I look like a big, tough multicolored donkey, but this papier-mâché is actually quite—ow! Seriously?
What did I just say?
Why don’t we just set down the stick and talk for a minute, okay, buddy? You’re a nice boy. Strong, but nice. And though I’m not sure exactly what’s going on here, it has to be some sort of misunderst—ow!
Whoa! What the fuck? You just made a huge dent in my side! This is my body. You can’t just hit it. I don’t care if it’s your big day. That last smack almost took off my ear. What the hell is wrong with you?
Aghh! Ow! Do you not hear that I’m in pain? Or do you not even care how much damage you do to me? Please! I’m begging you! Stop this now, before something terrible happens. Where are your parents? Ow! Oh God, the parents—they’re filming me! They’re filming, and they’re laughing!
You monsters! Police, police!
Oh, thank God. He’s stopped. Thank you, little boy. Thank you for coming to your senses. Yes, put down the stick—wait—no! No! Don’t hand it to the bigger child! Why is he being spun around in circles like that? What kind of sick bastard would do something like this at a party?
Shit! Fuck! No! No! My leg! My back right leg—you just smashed it in! Have mercy! No! Not the belly! Not my beautiful ruffled belly!
At least—ow—take the blindfold off—ow—and look me in the eye when you whack me, cowards!
Enough is enough! Hear me now: When I get down from here, I will hunt you down and ruin your lives in ways you could never anticipate. Do you understand threats, children? When you least expect it, I’ll show up in your life and I will tear you apart. You and all your goddamn families! Oh God, you aren’t going to stop, are you?
Sweet Jesus, my chest is caving in. I’m losing candy—I’m losing candy fast. This wound is too great for any duct tape to patch. Tell my wife I love her. She was the most gorgeous piñata in the whole factory, a tasseled neon star. I’m going to the big Party City in the sky now…goodbye…
I hope you like Dubble Bubble, assholes.
Jesus Christ is King
