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Faithful Dog Refuses To Move From Spot Where He Killed Beloved Owner

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MINNEAPOLIS—Moved by the animal’s unwavering devotion, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 4-year-old cocker spaniel Biscuit refused to move from the spot where he had killed his beloved owner. “What a unique bond they must have had,” said Janice Meyer, a neighbor of the deceased, explaining how the faithful dog had sat attentively on the blood-splattered carpeting ever since ripping out the throat of 32-year-old Edward Shauger. “Day or night, rain or shine, he’s there, gnawing on a piece of his owner’s face. Dogs really are special. It almost makes you want to cry.” Reached for comment, officials from the local coroner’s office confirmed they had given up on recovering the owner’s body.

The Onion

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